I am forming
a team for The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society’s (LLS) Light The Night Walk, and
I hope you will join me.
Light
The Night Walk is LLS’s annual walk and fundraising event and the nation’s
night to pay tribute and bring hope to people battling cancer. Teams of friends
and families or co-workers raise funds for cancer research and to provide
services in their communities. Walkers carry illuminated balloons—white for
survivors, red for supporters and gold for those who have lost a loved one to
blood cancer.
As you
may know my mother was diagnosed first with MDS (Myelodysplastic Syndrome) which progressed into AML (Acute Myeloid Leukemia). She lost her hard fought battle with these diseases in January, much to our dismay. We walked last year in her honor while she was receiving treatment at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center in New York. This year, I would like to continue to walk again in her memory under the team name Minnie's Miracles.
Your
help will make a difference. Please consider walking on my team and making a
commitment to raising funds. If you can’t participate, then please make a
donation.
March 28th Gage, our beloved family pet passed away on March 28, 2013. He couldn't walk or do much of anything on Saturday night (we believe he endured some sort of heart failure) and on Sunday his breathing was labored and was taken to the vet. He actually was full of cancer, but struggled with it all for years. He left our life Sunday morning, just shy of 13.5 years old. We will all miss him greatly and deeply. Besides his smell, problems and weakness, he was a wonderful dog. I don't think many people realize how great of a dog he actually was. I got him as a Valentine's Day gift in 2000 at a few weeks old and I trained him as a puppy; it didn't take much time for him to learn anything. He listened, he was patient, and he loved other dogs and children. He used to carry around a stuffed duck and I would hide it among other stuffed animals in my room. I would tell him to go find the duck and he would come back with it every time. He was just a fun dog to have in our family. I am glad to have had so much time with him, I will also miss him so much.
“If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.”
― Will Rogers
May 1st....
A few months ago I was hoping that May 1st would bring me joy, delight and happiness, but I think I am going to have to push that back to June 1st.
These past few months - maybe even the entire past year - have been especially hard on me. Mom being sick, Dad being sick, leaving my second job, mom passing away, leaving my boyfriend, Dad having knee surgery, and now Gage passing away, have all led me to believe that I need to start taking care of myself and I need to start worrying about exactly what it is I want for my future. I think I know.
This month, as a tribute to my mother and just for my own health and safety in general I am going to take a break from drinking. I used to binge drink on the weekends, but now that I am between homes it started to become a nightly thing. Some nights it would be a beer after work, some nights it was binge drinking, some nights I was out with friends on a weeknight, getting home relatively early but also spending way too much money and also having to walk everywhere for fear of getting a DUI. Not only that, but waking up with a hangover pretty much every other day or so is not fun, especially as you get older. I've taken on more responsibilities at work and have found it hard to pay attention and remember details when I'm hungover. I drank for 12 days straight. 12 days. 12 days was really enough.
It'll be rough, but I have some things lined up that I need to do not hungover and not drunk, so in the meantime I realized I should take a little break. I haven't had a drink since Sunday. I will not drink again until Sunday, May 26... unless I don't want to anymore. I am not saying that I am never going to drink again, I'm sure I will, but I definitely need to take a break. I need to clean out my system. I'm stressed, depressed and scared, but I feel that this is a necessary step for the next month.
I've recently dubbed the month of May to "The 3 M's" [Mother's Day, (12) Moving Day (25) & Mom's Birthday(27)]. These are three things that I have to endure within the next 26 days, and to be brutally honest, they frighten me. Usually I would just decide to endure them in a drunken haze, numb the pain, fill the void, but I think I owe it to my mother to do this for her. In my eyes, May is her month. Between Mother's Day and her birthday and now moving to an apartment on "Marina Drive" with the address that is backwards from her own, it just seems like the right thing to do.
So here's to a sober month. June, I am waiting impatiently for you. This summer is going to be incredible though, because I am going to make sure it is.
“I have absolutely no pleasure in the stimulants in which I sometimes so madly indulge. It has not been in the pursuit of pleasure that I have periled life and reputation and reason. It has been the desperate attempt to escape from torturing memories, from a sense of insupportable loneliness and a dread of some strange impending doom.”
Unfortunately, or
fortunately, I'm not totally sure how to look at it, but the shock has finally
settled and moved on. I was uncertain when this period would end, but I am
guessing now is as good a time as any.
Turning to Google (unfortunately,
again) that was the first step.
“1. Denial and Isolation
The first reaction to
learning of terminal illness or death of a cherished loved one is to deny the
reality of the situation. It is a normal reaction to rationalize overwhelming
emotions. It is a defense mechanism that buffers the immediate shock. We block
out the words and hide from the facts. This is a temporary response that
carries us through the first wave of pain.” (psychcentral.com)
I wouldn't go as far as
saying that I never denied losing my mother. It was very real to me, I knew what
was happening. I was there for every step of her disease and demise. I was
probably more involved than most people could have handled. Trust me, I never
denied her illness, or that any of it was happening. Or that it happened, or
what could happen. I just wanted to make sure I was doing the right thing; that
in a year from whatever was going on then, that I wouldn’t look back and regret
any mistakes or choices that were made. I wanted to make sure I did everything
possible for her.
I do believe that I needed
to be strong and was shocked, and I definitely buffered my pain with courage. If
it was a false courage, I will never know. I knew that I had to get through
everything standing. I wasn't going to take anything lying down.
The first wave of pain
has subsided and dulled. It is surely painful, but now the pain has been
replaced by a wave of immediate sadness. I terribly miss my mother and hearing
her voice. I miss talking to her about anything and everything. One of the
hardest things I’ll have to go through is losing her, and that’s just it. I
lost her, and I can’t hear her voice of reason to help me through it. And it
hurts. It’s not a stabbing hurt, it’s numbing.
Now, I am not having a
pity party for myself here. A whole lot of people lost an amazing part of their
lives also. I can only say how and what I feel, so that’s what I'm doing. This
is my release. I cannot speak for others. I can hardly speak for myself. So I write.
I finally went back
through Facebook posts and re-read the status I posted the day my mother
passed. I initially read through those comments as they came and “liked” them
to show my appreciation to the people who reached out to me during my sad time.
I never re-read them again until today. There are 110 comments on that post,
and a few are mine. I just sat there and read each one about what an amazing
person my mother was, how sorry they are for my loss, a memory they have of
her, their condolences, etc. I think at least 2 tears fell for each comment. 200
tears in about 5 minutes. That’s 2 tears per second. It was a lot of tears. It
was the first time in over two months that I’ve shed that many tears.
I had to get up from my
desk, go outside and cry a little more, wash my face in the sink, and come back
to my desk. And then I thought to myself, “Well? Now what? What’s next?” I just knew I had to write again.
According to Google the
next step is “Anger.” That should be interesting. I am not angry. I am dealing
with the “unfairness” of it all. But I don't think that it is anger. I don't think I have enough energy for anger. I just
think its unfair. I will try to write more as time progresses.
So, what’s next? I don’t
know, but she would have been able to tell me.
“And it came to me then, that
every plan is a tiny prayer to father time
As I stared at my shoes in the
ICU that reeked of piss and 409
And I rationed my breaths as I
said to myself that, I'd already taken too much today
As each descending peak on the
LCD took you a little farther away from me
Away from me
Amongst the vending machines and
year-old magazines in a place where we only say goodbye
It stung like a violent wind that
our memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds
But I knew that you were a truth
I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all
And I looked around at all the
eyes on the ground as the TV entertained itself
'Cause there's no comfort in the
waiting room
Just nervous pacers bracing for
bad news
And then the nurse comes round
and everyone will lift their heads
But I'm thinking of what Sarah
said, that, "Love is watching someone die"
…A question that probes many
different meanings and warrants even more answers.
How am I doing? It’s hard
to say. Sometimes I am okay, sometimes I am not. Sometimes at night I toss and
turn, sometimes I sleep fourteen hours straight. Sometimes I drive in my car
and weep; sometimes I drive in my car and sing at the top of my lungs.
Sometimes at work I tackle a pile of papers on my desk; sometimes at work I
stare at my computer screen for hours. The battles in my emotions wager on and
on like this. The operative word in my situation is “sometimes.”
Sometimes I start
scheming, or daydreaming. I start thinking that life is too short and maybe I
should move to a place I really want to live. Maybe I should get a master’s
degree in something I actually want to do. Maybe I should go on a diet. Maybe I
should re-adjust the way I live my life. Maybe I should just sit here and do
nothing. Maybe I should go out and do absolutely everything that I can. Then I
look in my wallet in the middle of a 14 hour nap and give myself a justifiable “nay.”
The conflicts of my future play out like this. Again, the operative word in my
situation is “maybe.”
So, I’m somewhere between
sometimes and maybe.
Not patting myself on the
back here nor am I trying to insist that I know everything, but I have a degree
in Social Science. This means that I studied how society has its effects on
mostly children and teenagers and the possible outcomes that these influences
have on these children. I know that these influences also carry over into
adulthood and that dealing with the problems for the different age groups are the
same. I have taken philosophy courses, psychology courses, educational courses on
science and society. Sometimes it’s hard for me to sit with a professional and
talk about my emotions because I know rationally, not personally, though, how
to deal with them.
I know that what I am
going through takes months, even years to filter through. I know that my
emotions are going to be a roller coaster ride of ups and downs, twists and
turns, loops and tunnels… I get that. (They actually already are). I know that
the persistent stomach pains were from stress and not some gastrointestinal
disease. I know that the pain in my chest is from a broken heart and not acid re-flux. Like I mentioned in an earlier post, I’ve been through the frigging ringer
this last cycle of my life. I’ve dealt with losing loved ones: physically,
emotionally and mentally. I’ve struggled with finances; I’ve struggled with
life choices. I’ve been to therapy in my life a total of 4 times for different
reasons since the age of 14. I’ve flirted with the idea of going back to sort
out this next cycle of my life. I have decided that this time, I am going to
wait before I take a flying leap into the deep end of therapy sessions.
Sometimes I want to go. Maybe I will.
There’s that sometimes and maybe, again.
For now, I’m trying to
get back on track. That’s not how I’m
doing, that’s what I’m doing.
Hopefully for those of you who were concerned with how I was doing, that will
be enough. At least I’m doing something. I spent almost two years of my life
concerned with the well-being of someone else. In that two-year span, I lost more people than I can count on one hand to death - people very close to me. It’s extremely hard to take in. I’ve been to functions,
fundraisers, hospitals, wakes, viewings, funerals, treatment centers, people’s
homes, bars, my porch, work, my parent’s backyard, nursing homes - all while working
two jobs and basically maintaining a household. “Sometimes” and this is just
for now: I want to be alone. I don’t
want to be alone because I feel that I deserve to be alone, or because I want
to cry, or because I want to do bad things, I just want to be alone. I would
like some time to step off this roller coaster and not have to be happy, or sad,
or anything. I just want to be alone.
So if you call and I don’t
answer, I’m working on being alone and getting my life back in order. If you
text me and I don’t reply, I might be enjoying something privately. If you
email me and I don’t respond, I may be doing something that I can’t or don’t
want to involve my friends in, just yet. I may be meditating, or exercising, or
walking my dog, or learning a new Zumba routine, or taking a nap, or enjoying a
meal or cooking a meal. I just want to be alone. These things, and doing them
alone, just for now, are my new therapy.
Sometimes, but not all
the time, I do go out and enjoy things. I do answer my phone, write back to
texts, and respond to emails. I do want to have friends, I love and enjoy my
friends and family and I sincerely enjoy life, going out, learning something
new, etc. etc. But for now, my methods of therapy for the next following months
are going to be on my terms, at my pace, and to my liking. After that, I am
going to reassess the thoughts of talking to a professional.
Call me, maybe.
***Thanks for reading. I
sincerely appreciate all the love and support that I encountered during my mother’s
sickness and passing. The response to her life from all of you was tremendous. I
will get more into that in the next post but I’m running out of time at work and
emotionally can't write that post yet. This was just a personal update. More
to come in the next few days ~JB
“A daughter without her mother is a
woman broken. It is a loss that turns to arthritis and settles deep into her
bones. ”
Just a little update on what I forwarded to friends and family yesterday:
Everyone... Thank you so very much for your outrageous response to helping Marina with giving blood and platelet donations. I just arrived at the hospital and Marina was informed that the transfusions are only sticking for a day or two and at this point transfusions are not going to help her. She has elected not to receive any more transfusions along with receiving no more chemo. Her leukaemia has become so far advanced that these treatments are no more beneficial than they are harmful.
Again, I thank you from the bottom of my heart with your selfless acts of kindness and urge you to donate blood and platelets anyway, as there are countless patients who need them at Steeplechase as it is.
After this visit in the hospital (which is for fluids, antibiotics, potassium etc.) she will be sent home in the care of her loving family and friends, a visiting nurse and help from Somerset Medical Center. At this time I please ask you respect our time together as a family.
You can learn more about our day to day activities at my blog on lilpunkk12@blogger.com. I will try to keep it as up to date as possible. You may also contact me at any time at any one of these media portals or on my cell at 732.986.2686.
And again, thank you. You are all angels. Please spread your wings even further and help a stranger. Someone out there needs your help.
Hey friends and family... My mother (Marina) has been admitted to Somerset Medical Center again and needs blood and platelet donations immediately. Steeplechase Cancer Center actually ran out of platelets last week and had to retrieve them from another location. If anyone can make it to Somerset Medical Center ASAP to donate blood (whole) or platelets please make an appointment as noted below. There is a special procedure (noted below) to donate directly to Marina. If anyone feels odd going on their own, someone from my family or myself can assist you and sit with you if you would like. Please read the information below.
We need the names of everybody willing to donate even if they are not sure; because we have to fill out a form to make them Marina’s donors; after we get their names this is the procedure for family and friends who would like to donate:
1. Individuals must come in for initial testing if they wish to be a designated platelet donor. (We would take a small test tube and notify them of the results. If they have a strong platelet count, then we will be able to schedule a donation.) You can donate whole blood at this time that way you kill 2 birds with one stone. (Luz’s comment :)
2. Individuals who would like to give whole blood (no platelets) may do so by making an appointment at 908-685-2926. If you'd like, I can work with you to schedule a block of time where whole blood donors can come in together. (We have evenings available on Wednesdays and Thursdays). Whole blood donation takes an average of 35 minutes.
3. Platelets are collected on specific days and times- (typically Mondays -Thursdays) from morning until early afternoon to allow adequate time for laboratory testing. Once collected, we only have 72 hours to deliver the platelets for infusion. Your loved one's infusion schedule will determine the days in which we accept donor platelets. Platelet donation takes about 2 hours.
If anyone has questions about the process, please call our program at 908-685-2926.
Mondays- Tuesdays - 8 a.m.-6 p.m.
Wednesdays & Thursdays- 9 a.m.-7:30 p.m.
Fridays- 8 a.m.- 4:30 p.m.
We will do our best to accommodate your group for a date and time that works best.
Nicole Greco
Blood Donor Program Recruiter
Somerset Medical Center
110 Rehill Ave.
Somerville, NJ 08876
P: 908-685-2991 F: 908-231-6166
ngreco@somerset-healthcare.com
PLEASE PASS THIS INFORMATION ALONG TO YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY.
MY MOTHER DOES EVERYTHING, FOR EVERYONE ELSE, NO QUESTIONS ASKED. IT IS TIME TO PAY HER BACK :)
Briefly, I just would like to say Happy New Year to those of you reading this. I hope your holidays were as magical as you hoped. Although I only have three followers I've learned that I have a larger audience than I anticipated. Thank you for listening this past year, and continuing to do so. Thank you for caring about M as much as I do. She had a rough Christmas. The timing of the treatments made it so that she was extremely week from 12/25 - 12/31. She received 2 blood transfusions and a platelet transfusion on 12/31 and it's perked her up quite a bit. Unfortunately, she has endured significant weight loss. I personally think she needs to see a dietician. Hopefully her doctor feels the same way. I don't have much to report. I fear writing anything that can be construed as untrue from this point on will only cause me to constantly correct myself time after time. It seems like mostly, it's a waiting game. I have plenty of things to work on in the next week in regard to personal resolutions and starting over, growing up, and getting back to normal. This weekend will be the first weekend in over 2 years that I won't be officially employed at two places at one time. I am very excited about not having to work on Saturdays and Sundays. I am going to miss the money, absolutely, but I think it's a small price to pay to regain my sanity. Let me work on some things, sort some details out, relax a little bit and next week I will come up with something more informative or interesting to blog about. Until then, I leave you with two songs - both about the new year. Enjoy.
"The New Year"
So this is the new year.
And I don't feel any different.
The clanking of crystal
Explosions off in the distance (in the distance).
So this is the new year
And I have no resolutions
For self assigned penance
For problems with easy solutions
So everybody put your best suit or dress on
Let's make believe that we are wealthy for just this once
Lighting firecrackers off on the front lawn
As thirty dialogs bleed into one
I wish the world was flat like the old days
Then I could travel just by folding a map
No more airplanes, or speed trains, or freeways
There'd be no distance that could hold us back.
:::Death Cab for Cutie:::
"The New Year"
I'm sick of cleaning up the mess you left behind
What a way to start the new year
On my hands and knees cleaning up the dirt and grime
What a way to start the new year
I'm sick of holding both ends of the tightrope
Cause when you fall all that's left is old high hopes for me
Stretched thin to the end trying to keep it all in
What a way to start the new year
Won't you say that it's alright?
Won't you tell me it's okay?
Because there's 364 more days
I might be smiling but you'll never even hear me say
That I like it in the shadows
Counting down to zero just to start again
Oh what a way to start the new year
Don't get me wrong, I hate this holiday
What a way to start the new year
On my hands and knees, choosing what I have to say
What a way to start the new year
I never realized it could mean so much
Just to go to bed later when we have to get up all the same,
And we scream and clap for the end of what was and what we've become
Won't you say that it's alright?
Won't you tell me it's okay?
Because we have 364 more days
I might be smiling but you'll never even hear me say
That I like it in the shadows
Counting down to zero just to start again
Oh what a way to start the new year
Well was it really that bad?
And could it be better?
Well, I don't know, but with you I still have hope
That this could be my year
364 more days, 1 million chances left to find you and to see your face
Making light out of the shadows, finally get to zero
Maybe we'll both say
364 more days, 1 million chances left to find you and to see your face
Making light out of the shadows, finally get to zero
