"How are you doing?"

How are you doing?

…A question that probes many different meanings and warrants even more answers.

How am I doing? It’s hard to say. Sometimes I am okay, sometimes I am not. Sometimes at night I toss and turn, sometimes I sleep fourteen hours straight. Sometimes I drive in my car and weep; sometimes I drive in my car and sing at the top of my lungs. Sometimes at work I tackle a pile of papers on my desk; sometimes at work I stare at my computer screen for hours. The battles in my emotions wager on and on like this. The operative word in my situation is “sometimes.”

Sometimes I start scheming, or daydreaming. I start thinking that life is too short and maybe I should move to a place I really want to live. Maybe I should get a master’s degree in something I actually want to do. Maybe I should go on a diet. Maybe I should re-adjust the way I live my life. Maybe I should just sit here and do nothing. Maybe I should go out and do absolutely everything that I can. Then I look in my wallet in the middle of a 14 hour nap and give myself a justifiable “nay.” The conflicts of my future play out like this. Again, the operative word in my situation is “maybe.”

So, I’m somewhere between sometimes and maybe.

Not patting myself on the back here nor am I trying to insist that I know everything, but I have a degree in Social Science. This means that I studied how society has its effects on mostly children and teenagers and the possible outcomes that these influences have on these children. I know that these influences also carry over into adulthood and that dealing with the problems for the different age groups are the same. I have taken philosophy courses, psychology courses, educational courses on science and society. Sometimes it’s hard for me to sit with a professional and talk about my emotions because I know rationally, not personally, though, how to deal with them.

I know that what I am going through takes months, even years to filter through. I know that my emotions are going to be a roller coaster ride of ups and downs, twists and turns, loops and tunnels… I get that. (They actually already are). I know that the persistent stomach pains were from stress and not some gastrointestinal disease. I know that the pain in my chest is from a broken heart and not acid re-flux.  Like I mentioned in an earlier post, I’ve been through the frigging ringer this last cycle of my life. I’ve dealt with losing loved ones: physically, emotionally and mentally. I’ve struggled with finances; I’ve struggled with life choices. I’ve been to therapy in my life a total of 4 times for different reasons since the age of 14. I’ve flirted with the idea of going back to sort out this next cycle of my life. I have decided that this time, I am going to wait before I take a flying leap into the deep end of therapy sessions. Sometimes I want to go. Maybe I will. There’s that sometimes and maybe, again.

For now, I’m trying to get back on track. That’s not how I’m doing, that’s what I’m doing. Hopefully for those of you who were concerned with how I was doing, that will be enough. At least I’m doing something. I spent almost two years of my life concerned with the well-being of someone else. In that two-year span, I lost more people than I can count on one hand to death -  people very close to me. It’s extremely hard to take in. I’ve been to functions, fundraisers, hospitals, wakes, viewings, funerals, treatment centers, people’s homes, bars, my porch, work, my parent’s backyard, nursing homes - all while working two jobs and basically maintaining a household. “Sometimes” and this is just for now:  I want to be alone. I don’t want to be alone because I feel that I deserve to be alone, or because I want to cry, or because I want to do bad things, I just want to be alone. I would like some time to step off this roller coaster and not have to be happy, or sad, or anything. I just want to be alone.

So if you call and I don’t answer, I’m working on being alone and getting my life back in order. If you text me and I don’t reply, I might be enjoying something privately. If you email me and I don’t respond, I may be doing something that I can’t or don’t want to involve my friends in, just yet. I may be meditating, or exercising, or walking my dog, or learning a new Zumba routine, or taking a nap, or enjoying a meal or cooking a meal. I just want to be alone. These things, and doing them alone, just for now, are my new therapy.

Sometimes, but not all the time, I do go out and enjoy things. I do answer my phone, write back to texts, and respond to emails. I do want to have friends, I love and enjoy my friends and family and I sincerely enjoy life, going out, learning something new, etc. etc. But for now, my methods of therapy for the next following months are going to be on my terms, at my pace, and to my liking. After that, I am going to reassess the thoughts of talking to a professional.

Call me, maybe.

***Thanks for reading. I sincerely appreciate all the love and support that I encountered during my mother’s sickness and passing. The response to her life from all of you was tremendous. I will get more into that in the next post but I’m running out of time at work and emotionally can't write that post yet. This was just a personal update. More to come in the next few days ~JB

“A daughter without her mother is a woman broken. It is a loss that turns to arthritis and settles deep into her bones. ” 

― Kristin Hannah, Summer Island