This time of year - when we change the clocks back one hour and subsequently lose all semblance of daylight while not in the office - scares me. I need Vitamin D from the sun; I like to feel the heat beating down on my face. I think I suffer from seasonal depression. I start having nervous breakdowns in September from the impending doom that fall and winter shadow over us.
October makes it worse. The long lull of time counting down the days until Halloween, probably my least favorite "holiday" and usually not having a costume and somewhere to go, or for the past two years, having a costume and no place to go. Last year, we endured an early season snowfall that pummeled New Jersey and put quite a damper on any and all Halloween and Trick or Treating plans. This year, on the same exact day, October 29 our area endured Hurricane Sandy and left over 8 million without power - not to mention flooding, storm surges and fires - gave a swift right hook to the jaw of our state at the Jersey Shore and changed the face of an area in which I called home every summer since I was 6 months old. Roller coasters I've ridden are no longer standing, roads I used to drive on in my Celica and Prizm are now closed, covered in sand and ocean debris and/or have houses floating down them. The Jersey Shore, Lavalette, Chadwick Beach, Point Pleasant, Seaside Heights, Ortley Beach, Island Beach State Park, The Surf Club, the Boardwalk, my grandparents house that eventually became my aunts house... all of those places I'd frequent, are no longer there. If they are, they have been changed forever. Memories remain, but being able to explain those memories to younger generations and eventually (and hopefully) my own children will be extremely difficult. It's times like these I wish that I had taken more pictures.
In actuality, my aunt's house is still standing. According to a family friend (who is also a police officer in Tom's River) and Google Earth, the house is still standing. There is no way to get to the area or to get on the island to see how bad the damage is. There could have been extreme water damage to the interior (or exterior) of the house in which would be irreplaceable, hard to fix and maintain or just a royal pain in the ass. I like to think that Pop was watching down on that house, urging it to stand tall.
FEMA has advised my family to "Just walk away" from the house. I like to think that they are wrong, but when you can't get to your house almost a month after a storm, it must be bad. There is a boat on the corner. Of an intersection. Where there is no water. Two blocks from the bay and four from the ocean, you hope for the best. But when you hear that the gas lines won't be fixed anywhere from 8-10 months, you worry.
This brings me back to my Halloween costume. Last year I purchased the "Flo" costume from Progressive Insurance. I was so excited that I had an actual costume, but to my disappointment it snowed. This year, even though I had no solid plans I was still excited to be able to wear my costume. Didn't happen, thanks to a hurricane. My aunt, the one who may or may have not lost her house said to me the other day, "That costume is cursed. Throw it out." I may just take her word for it.
November, on the other hand is sometimes fun. Days off for elections, Thanksgiving spent with friends and family and a handful of birthdays to celebrate. It gets ridiculously colder and rightfully so, but all in all just another month.
I have to say, however, that this power outage and black out and torrential storm would be even less bearable if it weren't for the foresight and ingenuity of a certain Manfriend, his father and electrician, who, months ago, hard-wired our house so that in the event that we would lose electricity, we would be able to run our kitchen, dining room and bathroom from a newly purchased propane generator. (I guess Hurricane/Tropical Storm Irene was enough). Having light, saving food, being able to cook, being able to pee with a light on, read, listen to my iPod and stand in my house with heat for a few hours has sustained my sanity. I am truly grateful for all of those things.
That being said, I only like December for personal reasons. I have 6 birthdays to celebrate throughout December in my family, mine being one of them. Plenty of friends birthdays to celebrate as well. Christmas comes, everyone is in the holiday spirit, things smell good.
Other than being cold, I love December.
I've mentioned this to most of my friends but I would like to try to explain it again. For me, personally, December is the end of the year, not only the Gregorian calendar year, but for me as well. Having a birthday on December 26, a few days shy of the new year, I get to turn a new year as well. It's a chance to start over, make changes, look at the new year a little more positively. While people are making resolutions for the new year, 2013, I make resolutions for the new me year, 33.
I've had a long run of bad years. 2005, I broke off an engagement and remained financially suspended and living alone in Flanders, sick for about 4 months from not having sufficient heat in my apartment all winter. In the middle of 2006 I got the job that I am still currently working at to this day. 2006 and 2007 were fine, or so I thought, and I began becoming an adult and starting to make decisions about where I wanted my life to go. During these years I was 25, 26 and 27. I got married. I got pregnant. I lost babies. I made friends. I lost friends. It was a sad and eventful time.
On December 26, 2007 I turned 28 years old. This was and has been the only year I've woken up on my birthday and cried. I was in a failing marriage, I was alone all day. Most of you know that I save my birthday presents that are given to me before or on Christmas day until my birthday, so I have something to open. I opened my presents alone, didn't understand what most of them were, made a trip to the mall and exchanged pretty much everything I got. Now, I understand that this sounds selfish and looking back I can understand why, but that day I was so desperately devastated with my life, my one thought was that I was 28 years old and no one new who I was. Maybe not even me. I felt that no one spent the time to think about who I was. Again, maybe even me. It was a horrible day. It really was. I try not to think about it too much, even now. 2008 proved to be one of the worst years of my life. I guess that's why I woke up crying; I must have known subconciously that the worst was yet to come. I was back and forth in a marriage that I couldn't save and eventually didn't want to save for almost a year. At this point I had 4 miscarriages and no explanation as to why. I fell apart. I am still putting myself back together.
2009 and 2010 were focused on getting divorced, living alone again and trying to get my life back in order. In all honesty I didn't focus on the divorce. I let the other party do that. At the end of 2010 I couldn't take being broke anymore and I took on a second job. You all know how that is going. Two years later, still working that second job.
2011 was probably the worst year I've had since 2008. Early in the year, my grandfather was treated for lung cancer that he was diagnosed with months earlier. Early in the spring M got ill and it took weeks to determine the cause of her passing out, fevers and general bad health. In April 2011 my mother was diagnosed with MDS. In June 2011 my grandfather passed away, and Manfriend's mother was diagnosed with lung cancer. Manfriend's mom passed away in September. Nothing seemed to be going right. We all kept claiming that 2012 would be our year. Not true.
Brings us to now. And you know how that's been going. I don't want pity; I want understanding. I want the summer back; I would like innocence back as well. I would like to make every one healthy; I would like the shore back. One thing that I do have is strength. It seems that sometimes it's all I have, and it is exhausting to be strong for everyone all the time. I will admit, there is something inside of me that lets me be stronger for everyone else first, so when it comes time for me to be strong for myself, I am exhausted. So with everything going on, know this: I'm tired. But I am not too tired for 2013. Bring it.
(I will plan on a different costume for next year, too.)
I will update on M in another post.
“You expected to be sad in the fall. Part of you died each year when the leaves fell from the trees and their branches were bare against the wind and the cold, wintery light. But you knew there would always be the spring, as you knew the river would flow again after it was frozen. When the cold rains kept on and killed the spring, it was as though a young person died for no reason.”
― Ernest Hemingway, A Moveable Feast
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